Waiting to Arrive

Last night, I had an epiphany, and it was lovely.

I had just gotten out of the shower, and was getting ready for bed thinking of all that I had done during the day and all that I had to do this week.  It was overwhelming.  Bills, food shopping, meal preparation, diapers, laundry, cleaning, working full-time, doctor’s appointments, car repairs, paperwork, abstract thoughts of what do I want to do with my life and when can I finally get started, wedding planning (?!) potty training, milestone meeting, and somehow finding the time to enjoy my life and some time with the BF.  After about 2 minutes of this insanity I stopped. During this thought process, one word kept running through my mind and that’s when it hit me.

WAITING.

I’m constantly waiting. Waiting for a paycheck to pay bills, waiting for nap time so I can clean up. Waiting for the right time to do the food shopping. Waiting for my older daughter to be potty trained. Waiting for my younger daughter to crawl. (Not that either of them are behind by any means, I was just thinking about what it will be like when they are.) Waiting for a free moment to do the paperwork and filing that is (and has been) stacked up, put in boxes and shoved into corners for what seems like years. Waiting for the part for my car to come in so I can wait for my friend to have a day to install it. Waiting until Tuesday for my new cloth diapers to come in the mail (I suffer from an extreme case of fluff excitement) and waiting until Wednesday so I can talk to my doctor. Waiting until who knows when to start thinking about making plans for my wedding.

Then I started looking back on my life. I remember being a little kid and saying, “I can’t wait until I’m ___ so I can___”. I never stopped saying that. I can’t wait til I’m in high school so I can stay out later. I can’t wait til I’m 17 so I can drive. I can’t wait til I’m in college so I can live in NYC and be an artist.  Thrown in the mix were the run of the mill ‘waits’. Waiting for the right time to make my move with so-and-so. Waiting for the right time to break it off with him. Waiting until someone pissed me off enough to tell them what I really think. Waiting for New Year’s to quit smoking, etc, etc, etc. The list went ON AND ON. It was fully ridiculous.

That’s when it hit me. Why the hell am I always waiting? What EXACTLY am I waiting for? And when the time arrives, will I actually realize I’m there or will I be simply waiting for something else? What is my PROBLEM??? And then, for just a moment, my mind got quiet.

I was overcome by this incredible sensation, one that I hadn’t known in quite some time. I almost didn’t recognize it. It was peace. A little voice in the recesses of my brain chirped up, “Maybe this is it.”

WHAT?

But the peace didn’t subside, and I started having different thoughts. I have 2 beautiful little girls, and a great guy in my life. I have an amazing family and wonderful friends who have stood by my side through some seriously dark days. I have a good job, and a great boss. We are all pretty much healthy, happy and well-adjusted. We have a nice home in a good neighborhood, we have food, we have heat, we have water. I don’t need to wait for anything. I HAVE everything. I HAVE ARRIVED.

I had to laugh at myself. I had been waiting for something I have had the whole time and didn’t realize it.

The only promise I have is this moment. Later, tomorrow and next week are not a guarantee. All I have is now. And right now, I vow to enjoy every second I have with my kids, my family, and my friends. Let this be my solemn vow to myself and to those around me, that for today, I will be where my feet are. This is bliss.